Rain, rain and more bloody rain!

I think I've remained quite good humoured about the rubbish weather we've had for longer than I can remember. Today though I have lost my sense of humour. I had a playdate at the park with a friend who has two boys the same ages as my girls. It's the second time we've had to cancel. I had all three girls in their coats, in the buggy and ready to go when it started to pour. After speaking to my friend I turned to DD1 and said "It's too wet for the park" and she burst into tears. I had been telling her since she got up, all throughout the babies nappy changes and feeds that we were going to the park.

So we went out anyway. I'm past caring about walking in the rain. It's that or we stay home. The rain cover on the monster buggy is good so I'm the only one getting wet. It seems a small price to pay.

We fed the ducks and by the time we were on the way back past the swings it had stopped raining and the sky had cleared so as it turned out DD1 got a go on the swings.

Going to have a whinge...

My Carpal Tunnel is back.

I lived at home until I was 29. My wrists went into shock at having to cook and iron for myself, not to mention cleaning the house we bought, which turned out to be filthy.

I've been through two rounds of referral appointments to the local 'hand clinic', two lots of physiotherapy and tests at the county hospital which concluded that I do have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome and that it's worst in my left wrist.

The only time I've not had it at all in the last 5 years is when I was pregnant, both times, which apparently makes me very weird since most people get it during pregnancy. Lots of consultants and Drs have squinted sceptically at me as I told them this.

It's been worst when I bottle feed DD1 and now, bottle feeding the twins. At least five times a day I grasp their bottles and I guess this exacerbates the nerves in my wrist but all everyday tasks hurt at the moment. Even typing now is hurting. And it wakes me up at night.

After the tests which concluded CTS a not very sympathetic consultant told me I should have an operation on each wrist. A simple operation with six weeks recovery, six weeks of not lifting ANYTHING. Worse than recovery from my EMCS. Even with just one child I couldn't contemplate it. By the time I actually got referred this time round the symptoms were more bearable as DD1 was no longer solely bottle fed. Plus I was just about to go back to work and didn't want to mess them around. And more importantly we were planning on trying for another baby and I didn't want to put that off.

So really I only have myself to blame. Especially since I don't spend my evenings resting my hands. I tap away on my laptop.

I've written to the head Dr. at the hand clinic to see if he would consider letting me have steroid injections 'to get me through the next few months' as I am fairly confident when I wean  the twins it will settle down again. My mum had it and it has gone. I live in hope that I will be as lucky. I live in fear that I may do permanent nerve damage, as a person who really values her hands. And I know everyone values their hands but as a craft person it's a scary thought. We'll see what they say.

While I have been not blogging...

... in no particular order

* The twins have had their second round of jabs; they were very good.

* We finally have an appointment for their hips (suspected clicky at 6wk check) to be scanned next Thursday.

* They've outgrown their moses baskets and 0-3m clothes!

* DD1 does seem to have arrived in the "terrible twos" - cue tantrums and picky eating. But she's so lovely and funny the rest of the time!

* I've been investigating some new 'business' ideas and just generally getting more organised day to day

* We've been going to and loving Twins Club. So nice to feel unfreaky and talk to mums with the same experiences. There's even talk of a Mum's night out.

* I have started swimming again.

A month's worth (I hope) of nappies from Lidyl

* I have started shopping at Lidyl once a month in an effort to save money on basics like nappies. I reckon we could save £15 a month on the 360 nappies I think we use.

* I have now lost more than a stone! Another 1/2 stone and I shall be at my pre-twins weight with more clothes that fit available to me!

* I went shopping by myself yesterday for two hours during nap time (I <3 nap time and I <3 Gina!). It was so nice to go in shops that the monster buggy (hereafter MB) doesn't fit into and to be 'invisible'. I never am when I am pushing the MB. I even got ID'd in Tescos buying a bottle of wine? Quite a compliment at 33.

* I have had a contraceptive implant fitted - no more babies for me (that's another post). The Dr said to me "That's it, all being well we don't need to see you for three years". Which led me to reflect, aloud, on what had happened to me in the previous 3 years. I got married and had three babies! "I hope not as much happens in the next three years!" I said to the Dr. "Well," she said "that's the sign of a contented life then."

A poem I read today...

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth, 
Hang out the washing and butter the bread, 
Sew on a button and make up a bed. 
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking? 
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking. 
Oh, I've grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue 
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo). 
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due 
(Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo). 
The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew 
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo 
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo. 
Look! Aren't her eyes the most wonderful hue? 
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

3 under 2 to 3 under 3

This weekend my big girl turns 2yrs old! Which means people will begin to pity me less as I can now claim to have three children under 3yrs instead of three under 2yrs. Probably people will still say things to me like "I'm in awe of you" and "You're a brave lady!" A) What is my alternative? B) They should ask my husband if I am really that brave, or worthy of their awe!

Reasons to be cheerful

* We're having a birthday trip out on Sunday and I'm very much hoping my best friend can come. Haven't seen her for ages

* I've made a decision about the twins routine which I hope will be liberating. Explain in another post.

* I am just about on top of my to do list

* I lost 1lb this week when it was feasible I wouldn't loose anything.

Reasons to be cheerful

* The twins have had two really good nights in a row now

* It's sunny

* I'm going to have a go at a new recipe tonight. I like cooking.

* I have a nice week ahead with a couple of visitors coming to see us.

* I've finally managed to get organised to Ebay some unwanted bits. They're all photographed and ready to go on, during their free listing, tonight.

Happy Birthday!

Tomorrow is my birthday. To be honest, it's never been such a non event! In my 20's it was a BIG deal. I would take the whole week off, it became know as my birthday festival and I had something planned every day including dinners, shopping trips and theatre outings. I spend a lot of money, but then I still lived at home. It was also a chance to invite some uni friends to stay as to be honest they all waited for me to organise us to get together. I don't see them so much these days. Of course their lives have changed too, two of the four of them also have children, making weekend gatherings harder.

My mum is cooking lunch and DH and I are taking the girls round there. My sister and her family will also be joining us. I am just hoping that the babies will have a sleep when we put them down in my old bedroom. I hate social gatherings where babies won't settle and we have the dilema of leaving them crying and seeming mean or getting them up and seeming weak!

I don't know whether to be sad about my birthday festival or not. I've wanted to be a mother since as long as I can remember, more than I ever fancied any job. But right now it is quite tough. I guess the fact is that as I turn 33 tomorrow I will have to remember that I had a really good long run of birthday festivals.

Reasons to be cheerful

• We met one of my NCT (DD1) friends and her son today at the park near their house and the babies slept, parked up, not moving for nearly an hour while we chatted and the toddlers ran around. It was fab.


• The babies slept well (again) at lunchtime and I read my book


• There's a substantial pile of presents on DH's office chair


• The babies are really smiling and trying to talk to us now

Reasons to be cheerful

* Last night was the first night, since the babies were born, that neither DH or I got out of bed because neither of them needed feeding!!! "Sleeping through would be a slight exageration as they both woke us up occassionally grumbling but WHAT a development!

* DD1 is so funny, I love her observations. Todays was "Mummy push buggy. Lady push dog!"

*It didn't rain when we went out today

Misery Guts

Man in tescos queue looking at monster buggy: "Have you got three in there?!"

Me: "Yes"

Man: "That must be hard work"

Me: "Yes" [thinks: what's really hard is fending off idiots like you when I just want to buy a pint of milk!]


Yes it is hard work, some days more than others. Like today. And on those days I am not convinced that I am ever coping. Sometimes I think the bad days are the only time I am actually thinking clearly. Maybe when I think I am coping I am just kidding myself? I actually thought and said to DH today "I don't deserve twins, I am not a good enough mummy!" And I meant it.

• The twins often don't feed well when I feed them and DH has to take over after he's finished his baby. Yesterday on of them was sick three times when I fed her, that's how rubbish I am.


• DD1 is being a minx and not eating the food that I spend time cooking her and I can't make her behave any better.


• Worst: My babies are probably less trouble put together that some single babies and yet I still want more from them (mostly longer, quieter naps please).

Reasons to be happy:

• It's my birthday on Thursday and DH and I are having our first evening out for six months


• I just ordered myself a bag and a pair of shoes


• I have now lost half a stone


• There were no nappies downstairs when we ran out.

I want to be a Yummy Mummy!

Since DD1 was born I feel I've been floundering with my style. The kind of stuff I used to wear (A line skirts, wedges and big earrings) no longer seem practical but I don't want to live in jeans and trainers.

I've only allowed myself to buy a couple of pairs of jeans and tops to get my through these first few months as I try to shed the baby weight. I hate buying clothes I hope I won't wear long. Consequently I have no idea what I am going to wear to my sisters for lunch on Sunday. I have one dress but it seems a bit formal and I probably don't have any good tights. I used to always know what I was going to wear for 'occassions' sometimes weeks in advance. It's also my birthday on Thursday and I am invited to my parents for lunch and DH and I are going out for dinner in the evening. Absolutely no idea if there's anything I have that would do. Also I don't want to make do, I want to feel good, like I used to.

Totally sorted the girls outfits in my head though, I always solve their fashion dilemas before mine now :o(

Must be positive though, have so far lost 7lb. Even if I did have a sneaky bit of chocolate after lunch.

To use a cliche...

Life is a rollercoaster! One minute I am up, the next I am down. No, I think there are more ups than downs but at 6pm when neither baby wants their feed and both of them are sick, one of them all over me I cannot stay cheerful. Luckily DH had just got home and took over. I really feel like their feeding is going backwards. DH says it's getting better. He's probably right. I think being here all the time addles my perspective.

Yesterday we managed to get all three girls, in their party dresses, into the car and travel 70 miles to take them to their cousin's first birthday party. We could only stay 1 1/2 hours in order to get back for tea and bed time but it felt really good to have achieved this. Nice to talk to someone other than DH, you know what I mean, and great to see DD1 having fun with her eldest cousin. She grizzled all the way home while the babies slept mind you. Ah well! Here's the cake my very clever sister made. Think I should take her up on her offer to make DD1's cake in a month!

A Good Day

I've had a very good day. The twins have napped and fed beautifully. One or both of them were grizzly at lunchtime but always calmed down so quickly that I didn't even have time to think about going into the nursery.

And this afternoon I took all girls into town in the monster buggy and it was a great success. I had this fear towards the end of my pregnancy that I wasn't going to be abel to fit in any shops with it but so far, so good. I even managed to take DD1 to the park on the way home. We've not been to the main park since they re did it and she was really excited to go on the slide. It was so nice to be able to do something like that for her again. I did her bath too - something else I had to forgo for the later months of my pregnancy and while I was recovering from the c section. I feel like a proper mummy again!

"Babies Crying!"

DD1 learnt pretty quickly what crying was once her sisters came home from hospital. Recently on Baby Centre there was a thread about whether there are really people who never leave their baby crying. I think there are people who do not leave their baby crying. They are the same people who stay in their pyjamas everyday, who don't get the hoovering done or the laundry sorted (or have a cleaner), who daren't make any phone calls. They are women who don't already have a toddler.

When DD1 was little I threw myself into getting her into a routine. Looking back I realise I had nothing else to do that was as important to me. I was determined to keep her routine the same when the twins arrived, in order to help her feel secure and confident that her world hadn't really changed. By and large we've managed to do this, and it's paid dividends, she's still eating well and sleeping well. Of course there's been a huge change to her little life but I like to think she's generally happy and that any changes in her behaviour are as likely to be related to her development.

The consequences are that I can't always get to the babies immediately, because it might mean that DD1 doesn't get her breakfast or get dressed or go down for her nap when she needs to. It sounds like DD1 is my priority but it's more that DD1's routine is established and working and when the twins routine is established and working it will fit with DD1s. It would be going backwards to mess up the one that is successful. DD1 has to wait too. She spends a lot of time entertaining herself, or watching TV, while I spend up to an hour feeding the babies.

Also, even when DD1 is napping, or out with her grandparents I can't always deal with both babies at once. If I stop what I am doing to comfort the crying one I won't get both of them in clean nappies and make up two bottles so I can sit down and solve the cause of their unhappiness. And yes, if I need the loo I am going to do it before sitting down to feed them because if I don't and I get a urine infection I will have to get someone else to look after them while I go to the Dr, or else become unwell and less able to look after them. It sounds melodramatic but I have to keep me eye on the bigger picture.

So sure there are people who never let their baby cry. Good luck to them!

Weekend nearly over

It's been a good weekend. The weather has been lovely. DD1 has spent a lot of time in the garden with her dad, moving stones from one end of the garden to the other.

The babies have fed quite well and slept quite well, apart from at lunchtime, which is a pain because both DH and I are used to this being 'me' time to get things done. I hope they pick it up soon before DD1 decides that she is too big to nap anymore! They've done well at night though. Last night they both only had one feed. Pity I didn't sleep that well because I'd had a couple of glasses of wine. I guess I'm just not used to it!

Finally stopped bleeding yesterday, only for my period to arrive today. Am not impressed. I have my six week check on Thursday, hopefully after this I can drive again... and I will have no excuse not to get down to business on loosing weight. To this end I am going to set up a new group on Baby Centre for us February mummies to support each other through our weightloss goals. I need someone to prop me up and the pressure of having to report my progress, without shelling out a fortune to weight watchers!

Freedom!

Wooo hooo, the monster buggy is repaired and today DH and I took the children into town! I was pleasantly surprised by the number of shops that we could navigate; Boots, M&S and Wilkinsons, so some good essentials covered there. I also managed to get into the Dr's surgery (to drop off a repeat prescription) although I am confident I will have to leave it in reception as it almost certainly won't fit in any of the consultation rooms!

It felt good to be out, though I am knackered tonight, and that was even though DH did the pushing up hills. As I suspected I have some way to go before regaining my previous level of fitness. But it's good because I have four stone to loose (more on that anon) and pushing this buggy is definitely a workout!

So many reasons to be happy!

* Last night one of the twins smiled at me.

* My homestart volunteer came and we took the girls out for coffee. She seems really nice and we got on really well.

* The babies have done really well with their feeds today and had to be woken from their lunchtime and afternoon naps, wooooo hoooooo!!!

* The new part for the monster buggy has arrived.

* DD1 tidied up her toys before tea without being asked multiple times or being cajoled. She has also taken a liking to the song "If you're happy and you know it..." and actually does the actions I tell her to, she's never interacted with me like that before.

* I cooked Spaghetti Carbonara for tea, something else I wasn't allowed during pregnancy.

* A very good friend is paying her first visit to the twins tomorrow.

* The daffodils are coming up. Spring is on the way!

Today...

* Another order of budget clothes arrived to see me through until I loose a bit of weight.

* My mum came round, bought cookies and agreed to take up my new size 20 (yeouch!) jeans. I love my Mummy.

* Both twins woke early from their lunchtime and afternoon naps wanting their feeds early. I managed to actually dress them both today so they escaped babygros!

* My dad took DD1 along on his dog walk so I was able to take the twins out in the pram, not going to be able to do that much longer, they are really squished now. Hope the new wheel for the triple buggy comes soon. It's been a lovely day and I managed to walk as far as the river. Feeling a bit less stiff in the last couple of days too.

* DD1 wanted to take her teddy bear in the bath. We dressed him in a nappy and a vest instead. She's taken him, her polar bear, rabbit and two dollies to bed with her. At this rate there will be no space for her in her bed by the end of the week.

Tomorrow...

* Our new Homestart volunteer is coming and we're going to Waitrose for coffee. I'm a bit aprehensive about it. Hope we get on.

Flying Solo

Today is the first day that the girls and I have been completely home alone. I am quite glad that the monster buggy is out of action, if I am honest, because I would have tried to go out and quite honestly surviving the day at home has been more than enough.

You might say that I am making life harder on myself by attempting to put the twins in a Gina routine. But I believe that it will make life easier for all of us in the long run. I do, I do, I do, I do! Things making this even harder for me include

* The girls not always being able to 'last' between feeds. Worse still, one being hungry, the other being asleep! I am desperately trying to sync them for the sake of DD1, otherwise I will always be feeding a baby and not spending time with her!

* We were doing one feed a night, now we seem to be doing two, one of them perilously close to breakfast, meaning that they don't really want their first bottle of the day.

* They are still quite sleepy babies and so spend a lot 'awake time' asleep in their bouncy chairs! But I'll start worrying about this when they stop sleeping at night.

* When they cry during their naps I go up to resettle them and worry about what DD1 is getting up to downstairs and that she's on her own. If I'm downstairs I worry about why the baby/babies are crying.

* I am still getting my fitness back, will be for several months I suspect.

I suppose I will find answers to some or all of these problems, probably about the same time that they change their routine and give me new things to worry about. That's parenthood.

Still, here are some signs that I am not sinking yet...

* I have got dressed every day since getting home from hospital. There haven't been any pyjama days here!

* Most days I manage to shower and wash my hair - this makes everything better"

* I have managed to keep my nails neat and polished. (The key to this is to use a pale or opaque, iridescent polish that doesn't show chips).

* I have started cooking from scratch again, as we've run out of my stash of pre-cooked meals in the freezer.

* I am on top of my basic chores, even though we haven't hoovered upstairs for two weeks!

Monster Buggy Bites the Dust

What a day. I am mentally and physically exhausted. To prevent me ranting here it is in bullet points.

* My "designated twin's" feeding pattern went a bit haywire last night so I was knackered to start with.

* Had an arguement with DH while making breakfast, can't even remember what about now - general lack of respect of my housework.

* Put away washing, changed both moses baskets and all three cots. Fed babies, made lunch.

* Managed half an hours nap, woke up to babies screaming.

* We decided to take our triple buggy for a test drive. DH got it out the garage yesterday and I spent an hour refitting the footmuffs and harnesses. I haven't used it until now because I've been recovering from c section. We were only going to Waitrose. Got half way there, crossing a main road and one of the wheels snapped off. Had to stop on the island in the middle of the road and take DD1 out. DH pushed the buggy home without one of the front wheels, fortunately both babies asleep and I had to walk with DD, lifting her across roads (I guess my scar has heeled ok!)

* DH left me on my own at teatime to see if his dad could fix the broken bit. Both babies had leaky nappies (one outfit got thrown away it was so bad) and one was sick on the carpet.

Fortunately we have now discovered that we can order a new part for the buggy but it might take 10 days to come and until then I can't leave the house on my own as would have to use two buggies/pram. Insurance say I can't drive until my six week check. I am soooo desperate to do something with my parents or MIL!

The only good thing is that all three children have been asleep since 6:30pm, which hasn't happen in days so we have managed to eat a nice dinner and drink a G&T and a glass of wine!

I am exhausted, need to find some strength from somewhere!

"Accept all offers of help"

Read anything about twins and the above is bound to be included. And it's one of my biggest problems with having twins. I don't want help! I want to be superwoman and do it all myself. Yesterday I had a particularly big wobble about this and posted the following on my birth board on Baby Centre.

Don't know what to call this post. I am basically overwhelmed. Stuff with the babies and DD1 is going ok, not perfect, we didn't have a great night last night, but all as I expected.

It's my family that are doing my head in. As many of you know I had a c section and after three weeks DH went back to work so MIL and my parents kindly volunteered to help me with DD as I can't lift her into her chair for meals or into her cot at nap times. I also can't drive or push the new triple buggy so its been good having someone around just so that we could go to the park or so on.

But, it's been two weeks and I NEED to get intp my own routine and feel that I can handle my life by myself! With the twins settling more I am have been able to put them down for a nap at lunchtime at the same time as DD1 which should mean I can get something done or relax but MIL and my Dad are both too polite to bring something to do so I end up sitting on the sofa making small talk.

I've managed to shirk MIL, as she's on holiday next week but she's still sent me an email saying she'd like to 'help out' when they get back. And my parents have both told me they are coming round next week. I just feel like none of them have any confidence in my ability to do this! I feel like a child. This is on top of 6 weeks being housebound before they were born. I'm starting to doubt my own capabilities.

DH listened to this whole rant when he got home and said they're all just trying to be nice and that they want to see their grandchildren and it's an excuse and I know all that but I want to be able to get up in the morning and think "What shall we do today?" not "Whose coming today - oh that means we can't go out!"

I know having twins is hard work, I know there will be days when I am so fed up but it feels like I've given up my independence my having twins.

I know what I've got to do, be firm with them and/or make plans and be busy so I've got an excuse but I don't want to offend... arghhh! They mean well.

Am on the verge of deleting this post as it's simply a rant with no purpose. Thanks if you've read this far!

Responses included

"Totally understand. My mum is coming next week to help but its easier to work your day out by yourself"

"The only thing to do is really to be utterly "rude" and announce "well I'm going to do such-and-such now."

"be firm/clear and say 'No I want and need to do this part on my own but it is nice to know I have people to call on"

All good suggestions but I have a feeling it's going to take me a little longer to figure this out!


And finally...

So delighted to hear that a fellow blogger and multiple mum from the BC "Pregnant with Twins" board has had her quadruplets, on 29th February (leap day) no less! Click over to Emma's blog to read more. Congratulations Emma & Martin!

Good day

Today I left the house! My mum came round so we could take the buggy and the pram out and we went to Waitrose to get a few bits and have a cup of coffee. The girls are one month old today and Waitrose is the furthest I've walked (about half a mile) so far. I felt fine, so that's good. Tonight however, as with most evenings, my pelvis feels really stiff, similar to when Twin 1 was engaged. I really hope it improves soon, I feel so decrepid. Anyway, I left it too late to write this post. Now have a grizzly baby lying on me.

Grizzly Day

Oh dear, it's been a grizzly day. The twins managed their morning nap well (as they do usually) but apart from that were asleep when they should have been awake and vice versa! I'm nudging them into a Gina Ford routine. I think she's a goddess. Certainly worked for us with DD1. The feed times are starting to fall into place but I think we've got some way to go with the rest. Having said that they were both quiet all evening yesterday, which hadn't happened for a week. It was like they had a little conference at 5:30pm every day to decide whose turn it was that day to play us up! As far as I am concerned that is one for the big pluses with Gina, that grown ups get an evening without bouncing a screaming baby on their knee. Fingers crossed this becomes a regular reality for us soon.

We've also had MIL here today as I am still not lifting DD1 following my csection. I really hope that I will be able to fly solo from next week. I am grateful for the help that I've had but I need to be able to look after the three girls on my own in order to feel like a grown up again and I would rather spend nap times doing things I want to do and not making small talk!

MIL being here made us able to go for a walk to the park which was a highlight for DD1 and meant that the babies did sleep in their pram for a while. Also it means that I am getting exercise. Until last week I had not walked further than the end of our road since December as I got too tired going any further. It's going to take a while for me to build up my fitness and strength again. But I want to start pushing my monster buggy, see picture, ASAP! Check it out at www.lotsofbabies.com

My Twins Birth Story

Thursday
At 38 weeks I was booked in for an induction at 7am so having left DD (for the first time ever) with my parents the night before we set out at 6:15am as we don’t live near the hospital. We were informed when we got there that twin mummies don’t need to be in until 8am and got sent off to have a coffee. Arriving back at 8am we were installed in the waiting room. Four hours later, after asking many times what was happening, a Dr came to see us, admitted that they didn’t have enough midwifes to start me off! They sent us away saying they would call us and do their best to get me back in at 6pm! After a pub lunch we went home and, worried that I would be labouring through the night, I managed to grab 1.5 hours sleep.

We arrived back at the hospital at 6pm and got a room on the delivery ward, a more promising start. The same Dr came to examine me himself and gave me the first prostin dose to ripen my cervix which was not at all favourable. The first time they gave it to me it really stung! Around 11pm nothing was happening so I sent DH home as he’d been awake since 6am and nothing was happening. I spent a very uncomfortable night trying to sleep, the beds in delivery wards are not meant to be slept on, obviously, and the twins heart rates had to be monitored every hour so I had to be woken for that. Around 1am another Dr examined me, said she could break my waters but she’d rather give me another dose of the prostin to really ripen the cervix, I didn’t really mind as I didn’t want it all kicking off without DH.

Friday
He arrived back around 7-8am and they gave me another, final dose of prostin at 9am. By this time it was clear they were playing for time. I had a community midwife with me who had been called in because they were short staffed. She claimed she couldn’t break my waters, even though the Dr had said she could, and that she couldn’t if she wanted to because there weren’t enough midwives on duty. I spent the whole of Friday without much happening, walking around trying to get things started but feeling really tired and heavy and depressed.

Around 5pm one of the registrars I had seen in the clinic and a midwife came to see me and examined me. The Dr said she could break my waters but it would be better for me to have a good night’s sleep and do so in the morning. I made her promise that nothing was going to change that and that she would do it herself in the morning! This time they moved me to the antenatal ward and I had a private room with a proper, for sleeping on, bed. I was quite happy with this as I couldn’t imagine going in to labour in the state that I was in. The midwife in charge though kept telling me to “chillax” which I found intensely annoying! I can’t remember when they had started but by now I was having really irregular contractions so it was really difficult to decide what DH should do but in the end I sent him home (I’m not sure they would have let him stay on antenatal anyway) with the proviso that I might have to call him.

Saturday
I woke up feeling a lot better for the sleep, even though I had had contractions all night. I’d kept my TENS machine on and every time a contraction woke me up I just pressed the boost button and then went back to sleep! I felt so much better that I decided I was going to make this the day my babies arrived! I packed up all my stuff and put all my bags at the end of the bed to show I was ready! I needn’t have worried about getting assertive because the midwife who came knew all about my situation and by 7am I was back in the same delivery room. She did say to me that they would need to see how many midwives they had in before they broke my waters because they had quite a few ladies already in labour. I said something to the effect that I could be here forever if I was always at the back of the queue and I would be asking them to call in a midwife especially for me if they didn’t have enough!

Anyway, from this point onwards I did feel like I was the priority. A new Dr appeared before 9am and broke my waters. I got introduced to my midwife, who had a student working alongside her (they were amazing), and DH arrived back. Got plugged in to a drip, starting on quite a low level. Everyone kept saying, well you’ve delivered vaginally before so there’s no reason to assume it’s not going to happen. From here I’m a bit hazy for a while because I got stuck into the gas and air!

The midwives asked if we had names for the girls, which we did, but we didn’t want to tell anyone what they were until they were with us. But within a few minutes of being on the gas and air I had given one of them away! I really loved gas and air when I had DD1 didn’t use anything else throughout. For a while this time it was great and I had my music going and my oils burning and I was really ‘in the zone’ and feeling positive. I don’t know what changed, I think they might have kicked the drip up a notch. My contractions were coming really close together, I was hardly getting a break and I began to panic a bit that I was still a long way off (I think I was about 5cm at this stage).

They like twin mummies to have an epidural, in case they have to use forceps, ventouse or perform a c section, that way you are already prepped for a full block. There’s also the possibility that they have to turn twin 2 after twin 1 is born. I never wanted one if I could help it, the fact that I had DD on gas and air made me feel that I could do it without, although when I knew I was going to have to be induced I was more prepared to have one as I knew it was likely to hurt more.

So around this time I did start asking for an epidural, after every contraction! Of course the anethesiatist wasn’t immediately available, he was in theatre. The midwives had a good giggle when he did arrive because I said something about knowing he was coming and that his name was Ben, they said I knew that because they had told me! I think I was confused because he looked a lot like DH’s boss!

It was very strange as soon as he arrived I stopped feeling like a total mess and actually had a few minutes where I questioned whether I really needed an epidural. I think for some reason I must have had a longer gap between contractions. Ben tried to give me and DH something to read about the procedure but the G&A was obviously still on board because it just swam before my eyes. He asked me why I was hesitating and I said it was because I didn’t want to be out of control and he explained that he could give me a very low level so I could still feel a lot but it wouldn’t hurt.

I changed positions and sat on the side of the bed. The next contraction was the nail in the coffin and I said yes please, I’ll have the epidural. I don’t remember much about it. Just holding onto DH to keep myself very still and steady and a cold sensation trickling down my back as it went in.

After that I did calm down. The only issue I had with the epidural was that my leg kept sliding off towards the edge of the bed and I had to ask DH to put it back! I think it was also that that made me feel and be sick, which I really hate. I’m not really sure what time I had the epidural or where the time after that really went. I know they whacked the drip up as high as it goes, without a Dr’s consent, in an attempt to make things happen but obviously I didn’t feel it.

At 8pm the midwives came to the end of their shift and I felt really sad that they hadn’t been able to see the babies. With DD1 my lovely, lovely midwife who I’ll never forget (she’s apparently currently on sick leave) said she would get her out before the end of her shift and at 7:57pm she made her appearance. But the new midwives, another midwife and student (who had twins herself!) team, seemed really nice and Sarah (day midwife) promised to come and see me the following day.

Around 10pm the night midwife, Louise, examined me and said I was still 5cm. I could have cried. They’d been monitoring the babies heart rates all day, twin 1 even had a clip put on her head to make it easier, and I knew they weren’t terribly happy with her heart rate which had been bouncing around between 170 and 190 for a while until I was sick and then it went down a bit. The Dr I had seen in clinic came to see me and re examined me, she told me that it was time to start thinking about having a c section, we couldn’t let things go on this way indefinitely. I was so disappointed. A c section was the last resort on my birth plan, even behind assisted delivery.

The Dr agreed that I was only dilated 5cm but she said that my cervix was very stretchy and she carried on poking about! Louise, the midwife said to her, “what are you doing” and the Dr told her to get her gloves. Louise re examined me. It might sound very undignified, like everyone was having a go but I’d ceased to care by this point! Louise was amazed by what she found and said how did you do that to the Dr. I gathered that the Dr had managed to stretch the cervix open a bit more but when Louise said I was now almost fully dilated I was amazed! The Dr confirmed that I had just a tiny little bit of cervix left that we needed to give a bit of time to to go. I think she said that she would be back in half an hour and Louise spent that whole time saying, “well I’ve never seen that!”

All this talk you hear from some women about wanting midwife only care and leaving the Drs at the door. I can honestly say that I think that Dr was wonderful for giving me the best chance to have a vaginal birth.

Half an hour or so later another Dr returned, as the magic Dr’s shift had ended. She asked me to do a couple of pushes to see what was happening. It was really strange, with DD1 I was only on G&A and felt everything when I was pushing, this time with the epidural on board I had no idea whether I was doing the right thing.

I was moved into theatre. I have known from around 28 weeks that I would give birth in theatre, regardless of how the birth was going, it’s just what they do with twins, in case any assistance is needed. Another Dr examined me and confirmed the little bit of remaining cervix was still there. But he asked me to push. I suppose they were seeing if it was feasible to push past that little bit. I think they were probably disappointed with my efforts but I really didn’t know what I was doing. He said he thought we should go ahead with a c section as he didn’t feel we’d get anywhere with forceps. This freaked me out a bit. No one had said anything about forceps before and I find them really scary. He said he didn’t do ‘risky’ forceps delivery so I conceded and they began to prepare for a section.

I was moved from the bed to the surgery table and a new anethesiatist gave me a stronger epidural. At some point I was sick again. There were lots of people in the room, which although you always hear is normal for an epidural, was freaking me out a bit. But I was trying to keep it together for DH. I knew this was his last resort too, he really hated the idea of me being cut open. They’d been preparing for a while when I realised no one had done anything about putting a barrier so that we couldn’t see the operation. I’m sure they were going to but I did start asking, worried that they weren’t They hoisted my gown up to form the barrier and hung a sheet over the top of that too.

I was aware that I was being handled but because for some reason I didn’t realise that they had actually started until someone said to me that the first baby was almost out. I had asked in my birth plan that, in the event of a c section, I would like to have a running commentary. When Twin 1 was born they didn’t show her to me over the barrier either, I don’t know if that was because she needed attention. It’s only writing this now that I realise how groggy I must have been.

I heard Twin 1 cry and someone must have confirmed she was a girl. I remember saying “at last” and shedding a few tears. When Twin 2 was out they said that she was a girl too and DH said “oh good” which meant a lot because there’s always been some doubt over the sex of the second baby and MIL had made it clear she would be disappointed not to have at least one grandson.

Twin 1 was born at 23:05 and Twin 2 at 23:06.

I was given Twin 1 to hold and she was beautiful but I had started to shake, a reaction to the epidural. I would say my teeth were chattering but it was more violent than that. I felt I was actually in danger of loosing teeth! I think I gave Twin 1 to DH and I couldn’t hold Twin 2. I was too scared of dropping her. I think it was around this time that I noticed that the ‘barrier’ was starting to fall down and poor DH was listing so that he wouldn’t see anything. He’s 6’3” so it didn’t have to fall far for it to be a problem. Eventually he had to say something and they fixed it.

The Dr who delivered the babies came round to say congratulations and said that the babies were in such a position that it was unlikely they would have come out by themselves. I’m so glad that she told me that because I have clung to this fact to help me through the disappointment of having to have a c section.

I heard the midwives saying “no, that one can’t weigh more than that one.” Twin 2 weighed in at 6lb 3oz, despite looking smaller than her 6lb sister. We think she’s a bit longer! The babies were dressed by the midwives, wrapped in blankets and put in the same cot together. I was still shaking as I was wheeled into the recovery ward with them. I was quite distraught when one of the midwives told me it would last 2-3 hours. Luckily it was only about an hour or less I think. They gave me both babies to hold again and put a guard up round my bed so that I wouldn’t worry about dropping them.

Around 1am DH went home to get some sleep. Louise told me that she and her colleague would look after the babies during the night so I could rest. I wish I could tell you that I got a good sleep but after the shaking wore off I started to itch, particularly my face and chest. They did sponge me at some point but it didn’t really help. Actually I was itchy for days after. I also had to have my blood pressure and temperature taken hourly that night.

Louise came and got me up at 6:30 the following morning. I had said something to her about the fact that having a shower would make all the difference to how I felt so that is what she helped me to do. I remember a friend telling me that she’d quite like to be a midwife but having had a c section and seen what they have to do for women afterwards she had changed her mind. I see where she was coming from. Not only did they change my sanitary pads all through the night because I couldn’t move but Louise also emptied my catheter and when I came out the shower she dried my legs because I couldn’t have bent down. She was very encouraging about how well I was doing walking to the shower and so on.

We were given a private room in postnatal which I was very grateful for. The student midwife working alongside Louise had already moved all my stuff in there and put out my photos of DD1. DH arrived later that morning and my parents bought DD1 to visit later that afternoon, it was sooo lovely to see her after all those days and see her reaction to the babies. She was a bit blasé about it! We left hospital two days later, having had a little difficulty getting Twin 2 to eat well, she’s still being a little tricky but both girls have regained their birth weight. I am bottle feeding them. After a difficult and short experience trying to feed DD1 I decided almost as soon as I found out I was having twins that I was not going to put us all through that again and I do feel like I have made the right decision.

I am disappointed I had a c section and I have wondered if I had made different choices, like refusing induction or not having an epidural or even sitting on my birthing ball more, would I have managed to deliver them ‘naturally’. It’s lucky that I have more important things to think about and that it has started to bother me less.

I have never been in agony during my recovery but it is really hard. The hardest thing is not being able to pick up DD1. I haven’t bathed her for months now because with my huge bump I couldn’t reach into the tub and I thought all that would come to an end with the birth of the twins. Hopefully it will only be a couple more weeks at most.

To be honest my body felt like a bit of wreck and still does though it’s getting a lot better. Directly after the birth, aside from the obvious c section scar I also had bruising on my arm, where the drips were put into me, bruising on my thigh (no idea how or why I got that), burn marks or an allergic reaction on my back from my TENS machine (I was wearing it for two days) and as I mentioned before, I was itchy all over for days (and my tummy is still itchy?) I had the catheter in more 24 hours after the birth and had to wear very attractive dvt stockings for the duration of my hospital stay. Child birth certainly is not glamourous!

My girls are beautiful, so far the nights have been ok and the days pretty good until about 4pm when they get a bit antsy and want to eat all the time. DD1 is really lovely with the babies, a bit disobedient to us, but she’s such a bright girl and very entertaining. I have such a good relationship with my mum. I can’t believe I am so lucky to have a chance at three such friendships with my daughters.

Hello!

Welcome to my blog. I recently posted the story of my twins' birth on Baby Centre and so many people were kind enough to say how much they enjoyed it that have been inspired to start this blog. My babies are only four weeks old so this blog will probably mainly consist of my sleep deprived ramblings. I really enjoyed writing my birth story and found it quite theraputic. I'm hoping that this blog might help me through the next few crazy months in a similar way. If you'd like to join me you'll be very welcome!